How am I not divorced yet?

Not really sure...

Whelpling: Look Mummy! What's this?

Me: Oh, that's from the makeup kit from Halloween. It's a package of glitter.

Whelpling: What does it do?

Me: You use it on people to make them sparkle, like vampires.

Husband: Whelpling, turn away and plug your ears. I need to beat your mother...

Me: Owowowow! Heeeheeeheee. Owowowowow!